I Remember Lights by Ben Ladouceur

In 1967, a young man arrives in Montreal from New Brunswick, apparently on vacation with the woman his parents expect him to marry. But, intoxicated by the promise of gay life in Montreal, he stays, building a new existence as the infrastructure for Expo 67 goes up on Saint Helen’s Island. Ten years later, an encounter in a bathhouse with a younger man named John causes him to reflect on his early days in the city. Feeling invigorated, he accompanies John to the gay bar Truxx, where they are caught in a police raid – and where he has an unexpected confrontation with a figure from his past, who chose a different life. The narrative switches between both timelines, returning again and again to themes of safety versus authentic living and hauntings of all kinds.

Ladouceur carefully excavates an important chapter of Canadian queer history, with both timelines taking place in the tender early days of the gay liberation movement and before HIV/AIDS shifted both activist priorities and the threats to queer communities. The 1977 raid on Truxx really happened, with 146 men arrested and mistreated by the police. The 1977 timeline covers just one night, whereas the 1967 timeline is more extended and takes up the bulk of the novel. This time period makes a generative backdrop to the themes of self-discovery, as, with the success of Expo 67, Montreal itself comes into its own as a multicultural, world-class city – indeed, at the time the largest city in Canada.

Our unnamed narrator navigates semi-underground networks to find other gay men, coming of age as he wanders around the city and develops a political consciousness with the help of his roommate Étienne. As his confidence in himself and his surroundings begins to grow, he becomes increasingly frustrated with other gay men’s timidity. Having entirely abandoned his former life, he is unencumbered and yearning to live freely. The reluctance of his lovers to do the same is one of the central tensions of the book, and, arrested at Truxx, he begins to understand why some people have chosen a path of safety rather than freedom. It’s a pivotal point in his life, a loss of naïveté as he nears thirty. The novel engages with this tension complexly, suggesting that there is no correct answer to how best to live as a gay man in a deeply homophobic society.

It is no wonder that Ladouceur, an accomplished poet, writes vividly and sensitively, conjuring a finely detailed portrait of Montreal in the 1960s and 1970s as well as the emotionality and intimacy of the narrator’s relationships. The novel relies heavily on character and relationships to construct its pathos, and here it particularly shines. This understated depiction of mid-century Montreal queer culture feels reparative in turbulent political times.

Ben Ladouceur is an author living on the unceded territory of the Algonquin Anishinaabe Nation (Ottawa). His first book, Otter, was selected as a best book of 2015 by the National Post, nominated for a Lambda Literary Award, and awarded the Gerald Lampert Memorial Award; his second book, Mad Long Emotion, was awarded the Archibald Lampman Prize. He is the recipient of the Writers’ Trust Dayne Ogilvie Prize for emerging LGBT+ writers, and a National Magazine Award for Poetry. His short fiction has been featured in the Journey Prize Anthology and awarded the Thomas Morton Prize.

His third book, a novel called I Remember Lights, is available in bookstores across Canada and through Book*Hug Press. He is represented by Marilyn Biderman at Transatlantic Agency.

Publisher: Book*hug Press (April 24, 2025)
Paperback: 8″ x 5″ | 268 pp
ISBN: 9781771669351

Clementine Oberst

Clementine Oberst is a Ph.D. candidate specializing in television studies. Born and raised in Toronto, she has lived in Montreal and Glasgow and now calls Hamilton home. When she isn't writing her dissertation, Clementine can be found knitting, trying to cultivate a green thumb, and playing with her cats. She loves nothing more than losing herself in a good book. You can connect with her on Instagram @clementinereads.